Friday, 23 March 2012

Wish You Were Here

Almost three years ago I was listening to this album when I had, without being to dramatic, the worst moment of my life.It came on the back of getting a new job and new house in the same week, I was high on life.

On the 30th March 2009 my mum died. Not suddenly, she had cancer for the second time but we all thought she had a few years left. Rapidly that turned to a week, which turned to a few days. We were all left pretty dumbstruck but pulled together to organise the funeral. I remember immediately afterwards feeling the biggest heartbreak, I cried for so long I didn't think I was ever going to stop, in fact I'd stop myself from crying because I couldn't see there ever being a natural end to it.

Once that feeling left, and this is a cliche but it's honestly true; I felt numb, I felt nothing for weeks. I'd drive in my car and I used to think, 'I could just steer into that wall and I wouldn't feel a thing', It wasn't as if I willing it to happen, I just didn't see any consiquences to doing it. I felt like that for about three months, not caring about anything much. I Still did my job, and I did it well - none of my collegues would have noticed any difference. Then one night I was doing a sleep in at work and I was just lying there, I was feeling particularly low, I think it had been a heavy shift and my mind was wandering. I just started thinking, 'I could end this if I wanted' and I started thinking of all the ways I could do it, it was almost as if it was a desire. Then I caught myself thinking this, it scared me into thinking it through properly - 'I'm at work' I thought, I can't be thinking this.

When I was a kid I remember being upset about something or other and my dad was trying to cheer me up, at the end he said it's like Scarlett O'Hara says in Gone with the Wind, "tomorrow is another day". That stuck with me, that's kind of my go-to happy thought. I re-told this story to myself and I 'talk myself down'. I really don't think I would have done anything stupid that night, but that was my rock bottom. I made a real effort to snap out of myself after that point, just doing little things that make me happy; baking, knitting, craft etc -just keeping my hands busy and my mind active. I eventually got through the really tough times, but every now and again - it doesn't have to be near any anniversary, that pain comes flooding back, just as strong as before, but it doesn't last as long. Now I can have a\cry and get back to living.

This last week or so has been really hard, I think with mothers day having been last weekend, plus the anniversary coming up. But other little factors too.

I started writing this post because I was feeling sad, but also to remind myself of the positives - I'm here, I have my health, my family. The above album, although it could remind me of such a sad time in my life it doesn't, it reminds me that I've come out of that experience stronger and wiser, and that makes me happy each time I hear it.

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